THE WAR rages on. As I’ve said before, I am, more than ever, bent on quitting smoking. To succeed, I will need a combination of smarts and pinpoint strategy to deliver the desired results. The perfect blueprint for my war against smoking had just been signed, sealed and delivered. I call it Operation B.S., which can be broken down into smaller tactical campaigns specially designed to press the advantage against a formidable enemy. Here are a few:
1. Operation Blaze: I just woke up one day and decided to throw all my ashtrays and lighters away. It was quite a pile. So for the past few days I have been lighting up my sticks on the stove and flicking the ashes straight to my wastebasket. Brilliant, huh! Now I can save a ton of money on detergent and disposable lighters.
2. Operation Epic Fail: I posted a dispatch to my company’s Chief Finance Officer, a senior adviser whom I respect a lot, declaring that I will quit smoking by 11 March 2011. I know I went out on a limb there, but I think the embarrassment factor will help a lot. Since then, I’ve been using up my executive time hiding at the fire exit a lot. Can’t risk looking like a hypocritical ass, especially to somebody who handles the moolah.
3. Operation Armadillo: I learned through experience that the best way to steeply decrease one’s cigarette consumption is avoid buying cigarettes by the packs. Failing there, try to stretch a pack for as long as you can. I can proudly say that, at present, 70% of my total cigarette consumption comes from bummed sticks from my good friends. I haven’t seen much of them lately though.
4. Operation W!nston: If I ever do buy a pack of smokes, I make sure that I get the foulest smelling, vilest, most disgusting, cough-inducing brand available – a brilliant deterrent to chain smoking. What’s more is that such brands are usually the cheapest! They even sell the long ones (as long as pencils) at the same price as the average-sized sticks from the same brand.
5. Operation Procrastination: I tend to smoke more whenever I write or am in deep thought. Well, I’m happy to report that I haven’t written anything of worth for more than a year now. Hah! I purposely resort to recycling or turning in garbage articles in my blog (thank you for reading :) ). Need proof? Just check out my blog entry before this! Nuff said!
6. Operation One: This one’s a no-brainer. Cigarette brands have recently used the number “One” to label their super super mild cigarettes. Davidoff & Dunhill, to name a few, have it. Marlboro carries an equivalent called “Gold.” All cigarettes from the “One” label boasts of the following: Nicotine – 0.1 mg.; Tar – 1 mg. In the tobacco world where the average stick registers Nicotine – 0.6 mg; Tar – 7 mg., the “One” label is the angel of all cigarettes. It is benevolent. It goes easy on your throat and lungs. I have made “One” as my alternative smoke. I just wish all brands from the “One” lineage remove that perforating line at the middle of the filter which gives the smoker an option to cut the length of the filter by half and enjoy the full force of the Full-Flavored variety. Very baad!
7. Operation Sweet Tooth: Whenever I smoke, I crave for sweets. Whenever I have sweets in my mouth, I crave for a smoke. It is one wickid vicious circle. Imagine how many bags of Mentos I have in my closet. Try to imagine how many death sticks I consume in one sitting whenever I am chomping on a Hershey bar. My strategy? Steer clear of M&Ms (plain).
8. Operation Thirst: A swig begets a puff. A slosh begets a pack. This is easy. I’ve long quit drinking alcohol. No punch line here. No kidding. Stop giving me that incredulous look.
9. Operation Abstinence: Recent studies show that the average male or female smoker can abstain from smoking after eating, but not after sex. Three words: Next—Operation—Please.
10. Operation Mongoose: Okay, I only have 9 mini operations so far. I must admit I included this because I think the name is cute (although it has been widely believed that this is the one Operation that killed JFK). God bless the Cubans for not being known for their cigarettes.
The point is (why do people always start a sentence with “The point is…” after they just said something lame?), I have turned a new leaf. I’m a man with a plan. I intend to win my mini battles and hope to win the war. I will never quit trying to quit smoking! No, siree! Who was the wisecrack that said: “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it a hundred times.” I wanna shake his hands and thank him for the chutzpah.
Hope he’s still alive.
(life’s a drag)