Operation B.S.

THE WAR rages on.  As I’ve said before, I am, more than ever, bent on quitting smoking.  To succeed, I will need a combination of smarts and pinpoint strategy to deliver the desired results.  The perfect blueprint for my war against smoking had just been signed, sealed and delivered.  I call it Operation B.S., which can be broken down into smaller tactical campaigns specially designed to press the advantage against a formidable enemy.  Here are a few:

1.       Operation Blaze:  I just woke up one day and decided to throw all my ashtrays and lighters away.  It was quite a pile.  So for the past few days I have been lighting up my sticks on the stove and flicking the ashes straight to my wastebasket.  Brilliant, huh!  Now I can save a ton of money on detergent and disposable lighters.

2.       Operation Epic Fail: I posted a dispatch to my company’s Chief Finance Officer, a senior adviser whom I respect a lot, declaring that I will quit smoking by 11 March 2011.  I know I went out on a limb there, but I think the embarrassment factor will help a lot.  Since then, I’ve been using up my executive time hiding at the fire exit a lot.  Can’t risk looking like a hypocritical ass, especially to somebody who handles the moolah.

3.       Operation Armadillo: I learned through experience that the best way to steeply decrease one’s cigarette consumption is avoid buying cigarettes by the packs.  Failing there, try to stretch a pack for as long as you can.  I can proudly say that, at present, 70% of my total cigarette consumption comes from bummed sticks from my good friends. I haven’t seen much of them lately though.

4.       Operation W!nston: If I ever do buy a pack of smokes, I make sure that I get the foulest smelling, vilest,  most disgusting, cough-inducing brand available – a brilliant deterrent to chain smoking.  What’s more is that such brands are usually the cheapest!  They even sell the long ones (as long as pencils) at the same price as the average-sized sticks from the same brand.

5.       Operation Procrastination: I tend to smoke more whenever I write or am in deep thought.  Well, I’m happy to report that I haven’t written anything of worth for more than a year now.  Hah! I purposely resort to recycling or turning in garbage articles in my blog (thank you for reading :) ).  Need proof?  Just check out my blog entry before this!  Nuff said!

6.       Operation One:  This one’s a no-brainer. Cigarette brands have recently used the number “One” to label their super super mild cigarettes.  Davidoff & Dunhill, to name a few, have it.  Marlboro carries an equivalent called “Gold.” All cigarettes from the “One” label boasts of the following: Nicotine – 0.1 mg.; Tar – 1 mg.  In the tobacco world where the average stick registers Nicotine – 0.6 mg; Tar – 7 mg., the “One” label is the angel of all cigarettes.  It is benevolent.  It goes easy on your throat and lungs.  I have made “One” as my alternative smoke. I just wish all brands from the “One” lineage remove that perforating line at the middle of the filter which gives the smoker an option to cut the length of the filter by half and enjoy the full force of the Full-Flavored variety.  Very baad!

7.       Operation Sweet Tooth: Whenever I smoke, I crave for sweets.  Whenever I have sweets in my mouth, I crave for a smoke.  It is one wickid vicious circle.  Imagine how many bags of Mentos I have in my closet.  Try to imagine how many death sticks I consume in one sitting whenever I am chomping on a Hershey bar.   My strategy?  Steer clear of M&Ms (plain).

8.       Operation Thirst:  A swig begets a puff.  A slosh begets a pack. This is easy. I’ve long quit drinking alcohol.  No punch line here.  No kidding.  Stop giving me that incredulous look.

9.       Operation Abstinence:  Recent studies show that the average male or female smoker can abstain from smoking after eating, but not after sex.  Three words: Next—Operation—Please.

10.   Operation Mongoose:  Okay, I only have 9 mini operations so far.  I must admit I included this because I think the name is cute (although it has been widely believed that this is the one Operation that killed JFK).  God bless the Cubans for not being known for their cigarettes.

The point is (why do people always start a sentence with “The point is…” after they just said something lame?), I have turned a new leaf.  I’m a man with a plan.  I intend to win my mini battles and hope to win the war.  I will never quit trying to quit smoking! No, siree! Who was the wisecrack that said: “Quitting smoking is easy.  I’ve done it a hundred times.” I wanna shake his hands and thank him for the chutzpah.

Hope he’s still alive.

(life’s a drag)

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16 thoughts on “Operation B.S.

  1. I had to comment…just had to haha! Hello, my name’s Christina and I’m addicted to smoking….oh wait that’s an AA thing lol :P LOTS of lectures from so many telling me to quit, someday I will…it only works if a person wants to to quit for themselves…just my observation anyway.

    Not sure if you were successful in your quest, but I absolutely loved this post! ;)

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    • hi xtina. didn’t know you ALSO smoke. misery loves company ya know :p i’m still at it. but what do you know, i haven’t smoked today. i’m down with the flu plus a nagging toothache. been in and out of consciousness (i know it’s a little exag, but it’s pretty close to it). when it rains, it pours :| thanks for the like and the comment btw.

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      • haha yes…I’m a slave to addiction…wow that sounds terrible! lol Yes, misery does love company :p I’m so so sorry to hear your just being barraged with ick! I hope you’re able to get some rest…and vitamin c does absolute wonders for teeth/gums and for the flu!!! Seriously!

        I hope you feel better soonest…I would think getting to the dentist is rather difficult when the flu is holding you hostage :( btw, I don’t think I’ve seen a post of yours that I haven’t liked….except maybe the pic of the love zombie :p did love the quote with it though!

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        • will heed your advice. i think i have a box of vit. c sitting here somewhere.

          i had an appointment with the dentist today but cancelled it. didn’t want to infect my dentist. thank you so much for patiently going through them. the zombie pic was a hit or miss affair. just wanted to interpret in full force the “real” image of what neil gaiman was describing :p

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          • I think you’ll be amazed at the difference the c will make! I’ve cut flu’s in half (time wise).

            Very thoughtful of you to think of not infecting your dentist, am sure he’s appreciative…really sucks that you have a double whammy right now though :( Sending wishes for a very very speedy recovery!!

            I think the zombie pic was quite poignant with the image the words evoked…just rather…um…..intense lol :p but then I guess that was the whole point! ;)

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            • dentist is a she. thanks for the wishes. i’m feeling better already.

              you’re right, that was the whole point :) also, i think i have an initial idea for that TCC entry. aching to sit down and put it on “paper” to see if it works. i killed many great ideas just reading the first paragraph, and most of the time it was my writing, not the idea. well…soon.

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              • That’s funny, as I typed ‘he’ I thought…what if it’s a ‘she’? :p Oooo…I’m anticipatious! I know when the time is right you will write it and it will be magnificent.

                When you write from your soul…which you do so well, it comes out in your words…that’s what makes it so magnificent. You have a style and fluidic motion to your words that I just find absolutely fantastic, and addictive. :) I know I’ve said that before…but it’s worth repeating. Can’t wait!! ;)

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                  • Aww, I’m so glad!! Really!! I only speak the truth…it’s a motto of mine :) Sadly, I’m addicted to both caffeine and nicotine and one feeds the other…sigh…but I have hope!!! :D Someday, I’ll tell you how I ‘have’ to have my latte….you will be very surprised or shoocked….hope you won’t think less of me haha! ;)

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                    • lol. it must be a monster latte. hope is the best of things, remember. anyho, hope you have a good day ahead of you. i’m gonna head back to unconsciousness. tomorrow’s another day. hope it’s a better day :)

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                    • LOL!!! Oh Yes! Monster is definitely a most apt description ;p Thank you, I hope you get much needed sleep and feel way better tomorrow (which you will if you down that ‘c’ like it’s coffee and you haven’t slept all night & are on your way to an important meeting)!! Sweet unconscious dreams! Hugs ~

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  2. Hahaha! I can’t tell you how entertaining I found this. I will read more, but having this as your first blog post that I read was almost prophetic. See, I’m an exsmoker. I have been for almost four years now…wow that is just amazing! I’ve fallen off the wagon once in that time, and the ciggarette was so horrible I lost all desire to have anymore. In the begining I had three steps, none of which included depriving myself of sweets or…well you can get the idea. What I did is I first got ahold of a book called Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Smoking. It didn’t scare me into quitting, but deprogramed me, the book explains it better. From there I only changed one aspect of my day to day life, I replaced the ciggarette between my fingers with something of similar leingth and shape (a cinnamon stick, actually). The last thing I did, was when I got the desire for a ciggarette I would go to where I smoked with a book and a cinamon stick, or sometimes a notebook, pen and cinnamon stick, whichever I had a desire to do at the time. There I would read/write with the cinnamon stick between my lips or cradled between my index and middle fingers, untill I’d calmed down or the feeling subsided.
    Anyway, the book encourages you to continue smoking as you read it, because as all us smokers and ex-smokers know, when your quitting smoking, just the mention of a ciggaret can make you want to have one. You do have to really want to quit, and if you get the book, you have to be a person that likes to read, obviously. There are semenars and such too, but they are far more expensive I believe. Anyway, I hope if you try it that it helps. One thing that also helped me the most was a supportive partner. Good luck though!

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    • thanks a lot cecilia! i’m really grateful for the much needed reinforcements for my war effort ;) your suggestion is quite smart and i plan to put it to good use. i shall call it operation cici ladybug. first i have to get my hands on that book. then i’ve got to get myself some cinnamon sticks (i hope they’re cheaper than cigarettes). i’m sure it’s going to help a lot because i crave for a smoke the most when i am writing…or reading for that matter. as i said, i need all the help i can get, especially since this desire to quit the habit came at such a stressful time at work. but i’ll manage (i hope). will keep you posted! :)

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      • Checking up on you ;) Yes the cinnamon sticks cost less than the book, and taste better too. We were graced with a copy by a pair of loving parents. I like that, “Operation Cici Ladybug”! Sounds better than “Operation your such a bookworm Cici!”
        As far as stress at work is concerned, just take a deep breath and chant “Goosefraba!” :D Or just sing a few verses from “I feel pretty” ;) It never fails to put a grin on my face! I can’t believe I forgot to press suscribe though. I’m Rectifying that right this instant!

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